Post Midnight Counselling
by Fhal
Summary: Thank god for friends who will listen to you complain about the love of your life. One-shot. Link x Zelda, Ike x Marth.


Link sighed. He honestly didn't know what to do. This was probably the seventeenth time in all of this year that he's been kicked out of Zelda's room. It's not that he was bad at what he does, it's that he was bad at _when_ he does what he does. He let the wall support him, leaning his forehead against it and exhaling another sigh.

"ARRGHH." _Thud._ The wall didn't appreciate his pounding, but it was inanimate and couldn't complain. However, that didn't stop the person behind the wall from doing so.

"Link, it's passed midnight. If you're going to pick a wall to punch, pick the next room's. Falcon sleeps like a log." Ike rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. This wasn't the first time Link has moped around the halls like this. In fact... "Fifteenth time?"

Link laughed weakly. "Seventeenth. New record woo." He raised his arms into the air in a false cheer. "She's gonna break up with me soon, isn't she?" Lowering his arms, they swung unenthusiastically back to his side.

Ike fixed his bed hair, trying to think of a response that wouldn't hurt the elfin man further. "Hey, she's stuck with you for this long, why would she let you go now?"

Link paused. Ike just watched various expressions dash across his features. Confusion, realization, melancholy, then back to confusion. God, this guy was easy to read.

"If I say I touched her inappropriately during her evening prayers, would that be bad?" He saw Ike lower his face into his palm, shaking his head in disapproval. "What? She was in an almost see-through nighty! Can you tell me that if you saw Marth praying in one, you wouldn't do the same?"

Ike looked up again, quirking an eyebrow at the blonde. "I'd do so, but only because I know he's okay with it." He pointed a finger in the direction of Zelda's room. "She, on the other hand, has already told you time and time again how much she doesn't like it."

"But the nighty...!" Link raised a hand to his chest as a indicator. "It was so low cut, I could see cleavage that I didn't even know Zelda had!"

Ike gave him the 'are you fucking kidding me' look. Eep. That look scared Link, and Ike knew it did. "Maybe if you smarten up a bit, she wouldn't be kicking you out so often." The mercenary gestured toward his room. "We'll talk inside. It's bad enough that this downturn in your relationship woke me; might as well be kind to our neighbours and let them rest in peace and quiet."

Link followed Ike inside his room. His friend switched on a dim light in the small space, sitting down on the bed. The mansion's rooms were much like an inn's, the only things required were a place to sleep and a place to hold their belongings. Oh, and can't forget that all important lavatory. Link took a spot on a couch next to the bed. From his new angle, he realized Ike had not been alone; there was a figure in his bed next to the man.

"Nnn..." The person stirred, and as the sheets were removed, Link saw blue strands of hair sticking out. "...Ike?"

The ranger bent down to face his love, a finger to his mouth. "Shh... Go back to sleep, Marth. I'm just going to have a little chat with Link." The prince complied, and after shifting into a more comfortable position, he was fast asleep once more. Ike brushed at Marth's bangs and kissed his forehead, then sat up again to see what Link had to say.

"You know, I'm quite envious of the relationship you have with Marth." Ike tapped the finger to his lips once more, so Link lowered his voice. "You're so gentle with him, and it's not hard to tell that you adore each other." He rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "I mean, I've known Zelda for a long time now and it's just recently that she started to let me hold her hand in public..."

Ike shrugged. "I don't know. He and I just clicked the moment we set eyes on each other." Link frowned. _Lucky bastard._ "But you know, I had a tough time winning him over."

That was news to Link. "Really? I thought it was one of those 'love at first sight, sex on first night' sort of things for you and Marth." Ike snickered. The boy had lots to learn.

"You remember that one match on the Pirate Ship, where Marth and I were in a deadlock for what seemed like hours?"

"...That one where you tore his shirt open with your bare hands at one point?"

"....Yes that one." Oh, how could he forget such details. "We were on stock, and the moment one of us got slightly ahead, the other would land a hard hit and even things out."

"So you ripped his shirt in the process."

Ike smirked. "To be honest, I just wanted to see him fight without it. So I made it look 'accidental'."

Link mouthed a quick 'Wow'. What a beast. "Regardless, it was one of the best matches I've seen to date. I think the only match better was the singles one between Mario and Luigi."

"Heh, thanks. Anyway, that match wasn't any ordinary title match."

"No?"

"I asked him out a couple times before that." Link's eyes went wide. He was learning something new about his friends' love life.

"I always thought that Marth was the one that asked you out. He seems so attached to you that he loses his appetite when you're not around." Ike was still for a moment, then smiled. He turned to Marth and then rested his hand on the sleeping figure, feeling lucky to have such a sweet prince by his side.

"Nah, I was the one that asked him first. He hesitated then, but he's a clever prince." He looked back at Link. "He told me that if I bested him in the title match, he'd be part of my prize."

The Hylian almost laughed out loud when he processed what Ike had said. "Really? That noble prince said something so... playful?"

The Crimean soldier crossed his arms in a proud manner. "I know what you mean. But hey, I must've been special to him even back then if he was willing to show me that side of him." This time Link didn't bother holding back his laughter, but he was kind enough to cover his mouth and muffle the sound.

"I wish Zelda and I had something like that. But being a hero doesn't make it easier to meet with her." He ruffled his hair, unsure of how many times he's defeated a great evil to see the Hylian princess for a brief moment. "Although, in this world, I completely expected her to utilize our time here and... well... get comfortable?"

"Well, Link, you have to know that it takes two in the case of a relationship to get comfortable."

"I-I know that." The Hero of Time started playing with his hair, contemplating how he was going to explain this to Ike. "But Zelda's always been a woman of power and responsibility. Sometimes, I just want her to loosen up a bit; have a little fun. It's kind of hard to be comfortable when she's so... proper!"

Ike raised his hand, holding up five fingers. "One, she's a princess. You have to respect that fact and treat her as such." Link pouted. They weren't even in Hyrule anymore...! "Two, when she's praying, she's probably not in the mood to get down with you on the bed." Link was about to protest as this contradicted with what the mercenary did with Marth, but Ike continued without letting him get a word in. "Three, you've been with her for so long. Shouldn't you know by now what she likes and how to make her feel special?"

"Um, I give her flowers sometimes on our dates?"

"That's good. What kind?"

"Whatever I find in the fields that day." Ike groaned. This elf needs some help in romance.

"Four, you should figure out what she _really_ likes. Girls hate it when you're not thinking about it and just give them crap. Even when you're out in town, if you see something she might like, go ahead and buy it." Link nodded, absorbing the information from his mentor (and sometimes, psychiatrist). It was so obvious, but Link always... well. He always forgot about these little tidbits.

"So... basically I'm thinking of her twenty-four seven."

"Smart. That was number five. You love her. You're supposed to."

Link nodded. It wasn't that he didn't think of that before, but his adventurous side always toppled his romantic side. He'd be so absorbed in his own findings, he often became lost in the excitement brought by the new novelties and contraptions of this world.

"...I really should just spend more time with her, huh."

"No kidding. You're only ever in the mansion at night time."

"Oh, you noticed?"

"Your room is across from mine, it's not hard to notice. And if even I know about this fact, what's the chance of Zelda not realizing that you'd rather spend time by yourself than with her?"

Link tried to think up a response, but nothing came up. That was likely because what Ike had said had hit the spot. "I'm going to apologize to her." Link stood up, adjusted his belt, and moved towards the door.

"You think she'd be awake?"

Link paused. "My princess is always troubled when things are left unresolved." He turned around and grinned at his friend. "I'm pretty sure she's trying to sleep but really, she's just waiting for me to apologize properly."

The Hylian bowed in thanks and left the room. Ike leaned back and supported himself with his arms, sighing from the counselling job he'd seem to have taken up. The squeeze on his arm got his attention though.

"So, you think about me twenty-four seven, Ike?" How Ike adored that soft voice, even with the raspy edge.

"You know I do." Ike pushed away the blankets, revealing more of the flawless skin of the prince, sans shirt. "What with that beautiful body you have..." He reached forward to stroke the pale white skin, only to be pushed away with quite some force.

"Oh, I see. So that's all you think about. My _body_."

"W-wait, no-"

"Then you're thinking about sex most of the time."

"H-hey I didn't mean that..." He leaned in to give Marth a bear hug from behind. "Though to tell you the truth, tonight was quite nice... I didn't know you could do such arousing things with your fingers..."

"I can do a lot more, Ike." Marth raised his hand, and using the fingers Ike found a new affection for, he placed one upon Ike's lips. "And because I just realized you care more about sex with me than anything else, I'm kicking you out for the night."

"W-what."

"Out, Ike."

"But Marth..." The man started to pout. Marth, unfortunately, had grown immune to it by now. "I care about you for more than just your body!"

"Is that why you always have a hand under my clothes every time we meet?" Ah. He didn't think the Altean would keep track of all those times. Damnit.

"Um. You're irresistible...?"

"Out."

"Marth, this is my room."

"Oh," For a moment, Ike actually thought there was hope. "You can stay in mine then; here's the key." He grabbed at the metallic object by the window sill and tossed it to Ike. "Good night, Ike."

The mercenary didn't intend to budge, but the glare on the royal meant business. He reluctantly started his trek towards the monarch's room . When he shut the door, he walked over to the next room and rested his head upon the wall.

"Goddamnit, I should start taking my own advice."

He proceeded to punch the walls in the hallway, nearest the door with a gold plate that was engraved with the words "Captain Falcon".

END.

---

I just wanted to play with the idea of Ike and Link talking about their lovers. That's what good friends do, right? I'd imagine they have a wonderful time complaining about Marth and Zelda! Another thank you to my dear AstroTurtle; MSN convos with you seem to always end with fics.

- Fhal


End file.
